A Rant by the Offical Jane Cahill
by Lapulta J.R.R. Cahill
Summary: A random rant by the Official Jane Cahill. That's enough said.
1. Chapter 1

**A Rant by the Official Jane Cahill**

_From:_ prettypaper217 gmail. com (_Jane Cahill_)

_To:_ Fanfiction. net .bot hotmail. com (_Bot_)  
>CC; to: <em>Archive<em>

To whom it may concern,

This is Jane Cahill speaking. I'm typing to complain about the use of us - (founder) - characters on the 39 Clues archive.

Give it up. We are not _Stick People_. I've been scanning this archive down and finally _must_ shout this out before I explode, indirectly killing myself: stop picturing us like we're 'all powerful' people who can control the universe. And stop imagining us as spineless whimps who are so desperate for _insert object here_ there's all these random crazy explosions and the world blowing up, and just STOP. We're just _people_.

Okay, granted. Not 'just people.' Good point. But you don't see Iron Man going and blowing things up to get his own way, or manipulating people for the sake of a good time. Wait a moment- Alright, Tony is nutters. I take that back. Do what Tony says, not what he does, for the sake of peace and prosperity, and for God's sake, don't write about it, uplifting him. I steer clear of the Iron fandom, for your information. (And just so you know, he logs in. _Every morning_. I've seen him. He's narcissistic to the core.)

But back on track- If I said (and imagine this is reality because I know someone's going to think it up eventually) I played the part of Cora in the clue hunt, Katherine played Sinead, Luke got stuck with playing Ian, and Thomas-of-the-Obnoxious-League-of-Obnoxious was crammed into the body of Hamilton Holt (Dolt-Molt-Cult-Bult-Bulk-Caulk-Cake-er... pardon for that. I'm hungry.) Let me hear a few suggestions on how to clean things with that storyline up, even when I haven't mentioned them.

Oh, come on. We're both writers. I'm sure you have a few ideas. What would be wrong with that picture I just painted up there? Be honest. Think about it. I'll give you twenty seconds. One... Two... Skip a few... nine... ten... eleven... Skip nine more... nineteen and _seven eighths_... Oh, fine! I'm sorry you're not a Janus! I'm perfectly certain you _really_ can't think of anything. Humph.

Not considering the fact that you would destroy about 95% of all reasonable pairings (unless you're one of those ridiculous Hetalia crack!shippers, then I'm sure you wouldn't mind incest and a healthy dose of pla-TONIC-) *shudders*, there is the obvious billboard of ab-solute utter fail-ure of r-e-a-s-o-n-a-b-l-e p-l-o-t. A plot under these conditions, unless manipulated carefully, can be ridiculously disastrous and mostly stupid. But honestly, who cares about that nowadays? Plots are old-fashioned, right? I am merely talking from the era of SHAKESPEARE and DICKENS and POE to give you a lively hint on your stories. (However, in all seriousness) how in all of Middle-Earth are you supposed to write a story without a decent plot?

So, 'what if' you really did write that story, and 'what if' I really reviewed it. Would you like to know what I would say?

I love typing to nobody in particular. I'm never told no.

First of all, when you switch character bodies/minds like that, you need to decide which character gets swallowed. If you attempt the Luke/Ian character crossover, you better have a bloody good reason to make Luke somehow fail to notice Isabel's and Vikram's stupidity and selfishness, because he would be on that so fast it would make your head freaking spin like Tobuscus was all up in there~ If you have Ian swallow Luke, the story itself wouldn't make sense. Continue on this train of thought and prove me wrong. I dare you.

So, back to my previously said comment that we are not _Stick People_. (And no matter how much I love painting pictures of a Bella Swan looking alive, I don't appreciate being posed as one.)

When you use us as reasons to kill people, we are being stick figures. When you use us as manipulators, murderers, heartless Russias without reason, we are being stick figures. When you picture us flopped down and confessing on deathbeds, you are being American, and I am British damn it, and we are being stick figures. When you merely use our names as OC characters who share our characteristics because they are our 24th great-great-grandchildren which is so weird I won't even comment, we are being stick figures. Brains do not transfer. Characteristics must be handled correctly. GENETICS ARE MANDATORY. Geeze, people! Thomas is _weird_, all right? Just shut up and give him a break already! Katherine has _paaaaid_ for Louisa.

End Partial Rant-

Moral of Partial Rant: If you're going to write original founders, write _original founders_, not- whatever this ought to be named, what is a bastardization of something I love? Do not write Baby Zelda fan games. My God, do not. Or I will kill you and think of a pleasant, pretty way to draw flowers with your blood and rib cage. Or of Ireland humping sheep. Mutilate the Welsh, thank you very much.

Basically, do not write 'original' crossovers that ruin both the storyline of the canon and the characters, AND the character you're putting the 'character' into. Write it well, you're fine. Make stick figures? Run away and hide in your AU world of hot stereotypical men. I will find you. And destroy all evidence of FrUK. muhahaha.

-=-(*)-=-

Now, I write a series of sarcastic 'what if's you must read and never do. These are examples. Not the Kink Meme. If I see these on a meme, read the aforesaid threats.

- What if... Ian and Sinead were somehow transported back in time and switched into the bodies of Luke and Katherine?

- What if... Amy and Dan found a time machine at the bottom of the ocean and ruined the world by gathering all the clues from the founders before they drank them? (You don't know how hard it was for me to write that. Not because I am quite a bit selfish and easily narked, but because I, unlike Thomas, understand the reciprocal of time. And tesseracts. Don't tell Luke.)

- What if... after the family broke apart, Katherine never went to Egypt and never got to meet Sinead who created a time machine and a body switcher merely to meet her ancestor and learn Egyptian. (LOLZ)

- What if... George found Thomas on the top of Mount Everest and died trying to carry his frozen body back down, and then they both died and eventually everybody found out and tons of people cried and his serum was never found, so everything was all melancholy. And then time machines saved everyone.

- What if... Nevermind. That last one was the end. I'm sorry. Bones is getting to me. I'll continue writing this later. Or maybe I'll just skip to my next idea and you'll never learn what the ultimate moral of this section was supposed to be. ... even though it didn't have a very good moral in the first place, I just wanted to rant.

*looks back over rant*  
>*doesn't like it*<br>*shrugs and turns back to Bones*  
>*starts watching CSI Miami*<br>*starts watching House*  
>*gets distracted by incoming email*<br>*starts watching an episode of Naruto*  
>*doesn't care anymore*<p>

-=-(*)-=-

ACK! Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry. I knew I shouldn't have stopped writing and just finished this, but I got distracted by a yellow bird and this albino guy and OMGOSH, I DON'T THINK IT WAS A WIG and anyway, that was awesome. ComicCon is the freaking best thing invented besides Tea Conventions. I swear on MLP.

So anywho, everyone! Moral of this Partial Rant: Time machines and Cahills or body-switching Cahills are not a good combination unless you can write pages of 1984 with your eyes shut and and dream of LotR every night while combining it with the 39 Clues. (And throw in Doctor Who for a minute there, with a splash of Downtown Abby, 'cause that'd just be awesome.)

-=-(*)-=-

Ultimately, I am brought back to the statements I made before. I am complaining. About your incompetence, about your lack of consistency, about your writing prowess, and about your FREAKING FANGIRLINESS that is making everyone hate you because you don't want to write IC characters. Write your own freaking original stories then. *le gasp* Did you ever think of that? I am complaining about the quality of fics other than plot as well - founder fics especially, and the people who think writing something that has been written twenty times before is still 'exciting' and 'entertaining'.

There are four main things I consider the most AMAZING, ULTIMATE, AND MOST UNUSED things in writing. Half the stories in this archive are lacking at least one of them.

1.) Plot: Enough said.

2.) Paragraphs: Ever heard of an 'enter' key? It's on the side of your keyboard. Just above that pretty large shift rectangle~ It's a beautiful key. There, you see? Lovely, spaced paragraphs omg.

3.) Capitalization: Ever heard of the 'caps' key? It's on the left side of your keyboard. A beautiful thing that makes the grammatical/punctually correct LOL and OMG correct. Unless they look better uncapitalized. Then it's fine. Like the paragraph above.

4.) Spllenig: Enough said. Don't burn my eyes, love. I've already rinsed them out five times while reading the archive. ... and other archives... but that was HongIce and doesn't matter. Shut up.

Then, in accordance to _numero uno_, when you have a plot, or a plotline that has already been used, it's called 'cliché.' Contrary to what most fangirls will tell you, clichés are not 'cool.' They are boring. Very boring. So boring in fact, that they make me want to fall asleep. You can look at a summary, and if it says 'FirSt Story!1! PLZ ReView!1q!', I will bet you thirteen dollars that someone, somewhere, wrote an exact same story like it.

And do you even _know_ how many clichés there are on this archive?

Too many.

_WAY_ too many.

If you're going to write a story, think up a storyline, please. Copying someone else is not only rude, it's plagiarism. I wonder who was the first person to write an Ian/Amy Highschool!AU fluff fic. Honestly... if I were that poor, poor author, I would be suing for the rest of my life - and the rest of my paycheck.

So, to find a good plot that has (Best Case Scenario) not been used, think _original_. When you're buying clothes at the grocery store for five bucks because you've 'only' got 3 million in your bank, imagine poor Natalie Kabra and write an angst for her. Actually, I don't think there IS an angst for Natalie on that topic... Shoot. One good idea gone.

To find a good plot that has (Optional Case Scenario) been used a few times, you need to put your own twist on it. When Amy, for some inexplicable reason, 'suddenly' transfers to England and just 'happens' to land in Ian's school, they might not even meet each other. There are _at least_ two hundred kids in a high school. Are they honestly going to run into each other, recognize each other instantaneously and fall in love? Then next week they're dating, and Amy's 'arch nemesis' who wants Ian, sets up a plot to break them up-

Are you yawning yet? Because I could honestly zone out and take a nap.

Basically, switch something. Put a twist on it. Make it so it's AT LEAST not so 'fangirlish' and 'OMGIWANTTOMARRYIANANDTHISISSOAWESOME-ish'.

Er- _please_...

Internet is also (thank God) alive in this century. Google punctuation. Google capitalization. Find their locations on your keyboard. Learn how to use them. SEPLL CORECTLLY.

Moral of this Partial Rant: Pay attention to your plots. Plots are your best friends. And it wouldn't hurt to take a couple floral bouquets to your acquaintances Paragraph, and Capitalization, and Spelling and make them your best friends as well.

-=-(*)-=-

And finally, this rant I absolutely HAD to type up has come to a partial-end. Why do I say partial-end? Because who knows when I'll check up on this archive and find it in even worse shape than before? Then I'll have to actually run through the BASICS, and... eh. You get the picture. Partial.

Moral of this Rant: If you're going to write a story about _moi~_ and my family, enjoy your writing, enjoy improving your writing, and enjoy writing right.

May the muses be with you,  
>- Jane Cahill... the Awesome<p>

PS: I swear I don't support HongIce! That would be like- supporting Humphrey/Buttercup or Ian/Dan and it's just OH MY GOSH, EW. NO, NEVER.

-=-(*)-=-

_Editor's Note: I posted this on the archive because I thought it was incredibly interesting that this 'rant' was written by someone with the exact same name as one of the characters in this book; that, and the fact it seemed it was written more to the archive than to me. I hope you can use some of the information this 'Jane Cahill' has provided and enjoy the improvement of this archive._

_Thank you._

**-=-(*)-=-**

**In my opinion, due to the content of the archive these days, Jane's advice is needed more than ever. However, I was also disgusted with my former presentation of her advice. Here is an edited version of debatable improvement. The original is on the second page, and I do believe all my former reviews still exist. I wouldn't mind getting new comments on this edited version though~**

**Set in present-day. Perhaps a slight shoot-off from Forgiveness as the founders seem to be on good terms here and because it's set in the future.**

**I didn't get to put it in the text, but for my future head-canon references, I believe Jane is a total Twilight fangirl, but not of the movie; this also stems back to Christie/Phantom where she fangirls over His Singing omg. She also claims she doesn't support USUK, but let's face it. She's British. She's probably not a big fan of the French. xD**


	2. Chapter 2

**A Rant By the Official Jane Cahill**

From: (Jane Cahill)

To: (Fanfiction Bot) CC; To: Fanfiction

Hello, this is Jane Cahill speaking, and I'm typing to complain about the use of 'us/(founder)' characters on the 39 Clues archive.

Give it up. We are not. Stick. People. I've been scanning this archive down and I have something to say: stop picturing us like we're 'all powerful' people who can control the universe. We are just people. _Okay_, okay, okay. Not 'just people'; good point, but you have a decent idea of this, I hope...

Now, if I said -since I know someone's going to think it up eventually...- I played the part of Cora Wizard in the Clue hunt, Katherine played Sinead; Luke got stuck with playing Ian, and Thomas-the-Completely-Obnoxious was crammed into the body of Hamilton Holt-(Dolt-Molt-Cult-Bult-Bulk-Caulk-Cake-pardon for that, I'm hungry...) let me hear a few suggestions on how to clean things with that storyline up.

We're both writers. Now come; what would be wrong with that picture I just wrote up there? Be honest. Think about it. I'll give you three seconds. One... Two... Two and a half... Two and _three quarters_... OKAY! Fine! I'm sorry you're not a Janus! Because you 'really' can't think of anything... Humph.

Not considering the fact that you would destroy about 95% of all reasonable pairings (unless you're a crack!shipper) *shudders*, there is the obvious billboard of ab-solute-ut-ter-fail-ure-o-f-p-l-o-t. Whatever happened to plots? There are no plots nowadays. How in all of MIDDLE-EARTH are you suppose to write a story without a decent plot?

So 'what if' you _really did_ write that story, and 'what if' I _really_ reviewed it. Would you like to know what I would say?

I love typing to nobody in particular. I'm never told 'no'.

First of all, when you have a character, you keep the character /in character/. If you're actually going to attempt that ridiculous 'Luke/Ian' character crossover, you better have a MORIA OF A GOOD reason to make Luke somehow fail to notice Isabel's and Vikram's stupidity, and selfishness, and- well, the list would go on...

So, back to my previously said comment on the fact that we are not. Stick. People.

If you do not have Luke realize Isabel is stupid, that's ruining Luke's character; and if you do have him realize it, you're ruining the entire storyline.

Moral of this partial-rant: If you're going to write original founders, write _original _founders, not... I don't even know what to name it. Not... 'original' crossovers that ruin both the storyline of the book, and the character, AND the character you're putting the 'character' into. Follow me? Good.

* * *

><p>Now, this is a series of 'what if's that are suppose to spark your mind. (Spark! Flame! Get it?)<p>

- What if... Ian and Sinead were somehow transported back in time and switched into the bodies of Luke and Katherine?

- What if... Amy and Dan found a time machine at the bottom of the ocean and ruined the world by gathering all the clues from the founders? (You don't even know how hard it was for me to write that...)

- What if... Stupidity reigned in the 'finished' Lucian Empire? (Oh wait! It _does_...)

- What if... Luke and Jane played a game of chess hanging upside down from a tree and Amy and Dan, using their time machine, somehow interrupted it?

- What if... after the family broke apart, Katherine took a test in Egyptian... and _failed_ utterly and completely and never got to meet Sinead who created a timemachine and a body switcher? (*snickers*)

- What if... Thomas climbed Mount Everest in 1548 and _disappeared_? (Muhuhahaha...)

- What if... George found Thomas on the top of Mount Everest and died trying to carry his frozen body back down, and then they both died, and eventually everybody else found out and- you get the picture.

- What if... I became upset at myself because that last idea was acutely morbid?

- What if... I stopped this email right here, and you never got to find out what the ultimate moral of this was?

- What if... you would never learn more about writing if I stopped.

- What if... I *headdesked* myself at my repetitiveness?

- What if... this stops?

Moral of this partial-rant: Timemachines/Cahills or body-switches/Cahills; not a good combination - unless you can write second-person with your eyes shut and dream of LoTR every night while combining it with the 39 Clues. (I better be Eowyn...)

* * *

><p>And so, ultimately, I am once again brought back to the statements I made before. I am technically complaining. I judge that you have forgotten that by now, because I barely remembered to steer <em>myself<em> back on track.

I am complaining about the quality of fics - founders fics especially, and the people who think writing something that has been writen TWENTY TIMES BEFORE is still 'exciting' and 'entertaining'.

There are four main things I consider the most AMAZING, ULTIMATE AND MOST UNUSED things in writing. Half of the stories in this archive are lacking at least one of them.

1.) Plot: Enough said.

2.) Paragraphs: Ever heard of an 'enter' key?

3.) Capitalization: Ever heard of the 'caps' key?

4.) Spllenig: Enough said. Don't burn my eyes. I've already rinsed them out five times while reading the archive. As a note, I misspelled that on purpose, and... I'm paying for it; my head feels like it's going to fall off.

Then, in accordance to _numbrero uno_, when you have a plot, or a plotline that has already been used, it is called a 'cliche'. Cliches are not 'cool'. They are boring. Very boring. Very... very... _very_... boring. They're so boring, in fact, that they make me want to fall asleep.

Do you even KNOW how many cliches there are on this archive?

Too many.

_FAR_ too many.

If you're going to write a story, think up a storyline, please. Copying someone else is not only rude, it's plagiarism. I wonder who was the first person to write an Ian/Amy fluff. Honestly... If I was that poor, poor author, I would be suing for the rest of my life - and the rest of my paycheck.

So, to find a good plot that has (Best Case Scenario) not been used, think _original_. When you're buying clothes at the grocery store for five bucks because you've '_only_' got 3 million in your bank, imagine poor Natalie Kabra and write an angst for her. Actually, I don't think there IS an angst for Natalie on that topic... Shoot. One good idea gone.

To find a good plot that has (Optional Case Senario) been used a few times, you need to put your own twist on it. When Amy, for some inexplicable reason, 'suddenly' transfers to England and just 'happens' to land in Ian's school. They might not even meet each other; there are at least FIVE HUNDRED kids in a school. Are they honestly going to run into each other, recognize each other instantaneously and fall in love? Then the next week they're dating, and Amy's 'arch nemisis' who wants Ian, sets up a plot to break them up-

Are you yawning yet? Because I honestly could zone out and take a nap.

Basically, switch something. Put a twist on it. Make it so it's at LEAST not so 'fangirlish' and '-ish'.

Er- _please_...

Moral of this partial rant: Pay attention to your plots. Plots are your best friends. And it wouldn't hurt to take a couple floral bouquets to your acquaintances Paragraph, and Capitalization, and Spelling and make them your best friends as well.

* * *

><p>And finally, this rant I absolutely HAD to type up has come to a partial-end. Why do I say partial? Who knows when I'll check up on this archive and find it in even worse shape? Then I'll have to actually go through the BASICS, and... you get the picture. Partial.<p>

Moral of this rant: If you're going to write a story, enjoy your writing, enjoy improving your writing, and enjoy writing right.

- Jane Cahill, the Awesome

*^!^*

_Editor's Note: I posted this on the archive because I thought it was incredibly interesting that this 'rant' was written by someone with the exact same name as one of the characters in this book; that, and the fact it seemed it was written more to the archive than to me. I hope you can use some of the information this 'Jane Cahill' has provided and enjoy the improvement of this archive._

_Thank you._

* * *

><p><strong>=D<strong>

**I don't know if you enjoyed reading this, but I sure enjoyed writing it - whether it was written well or not! (You'll tell me if it's not... *narrows eyes*)**

**Reviews would be great. ;D (Mostly concerning the randomness of this, and the horrible writing style. This was also not meant to be canon - just a randomly written letter by Jane.)**

**~LJRRC~**

**By the way...; If you've read TLoTR, I would hope you'd know what Moria is, and what Jane meant in the context she used it. I do **_**so**_** love puns!**

**Credits: Drew, or **_**whispers of water**_**, betaed this fic, as well as the amazing **_**Joelle8**_**. I would like to thank both of them for their support and acceptance to my horribleness. :D**

**Thank you for reading!**


	3. Chapter 3

**This is directed to Koraki, who I was unable to reply to her, her being an off-line user.**

**I hope she reads this...**

***!*!***

**I am a very 'large' / huge... LotR fan. And I am DOUBLY SORRY about the spelling of Eowyn. I believe I checked the book just to make sure that I had the right spelling, but apparently I didn't look hard enough. I am SO sorry, and I tearfully apologize to Eowyn. :''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''(**

**Moria was not meant to mean 'hell'. I didn't mean it in that context, only that Mordor didn't have the ring to it that Moria did. Think about it. A Moria of a: a Mordor of a. There are too many syllables in Mordor, making it less usable in the context I wanted it.**

**But otherwise, I got that. Thank you for the information though. I can use it later. :)**

**On the spelling, I'm ****_dreadfully_**** sorry again. See, when my computer crashed, I'm typing this on WordPad which doesn't have spell check. At least, not in the context that I have it in. You're quite lucky you didn't get any other words misspelled, and once again, I'm sorry that that did happen. I shall correct it now, as well as the spelling of Eowyn.**

**(SO SORRY, EOWYN!) :''''''''''''(**

**So I thank you, Koraki, and I shall use your advice next time. :)**

**~L JRR C~**

**Note: I put that notice that 'This was randomly written by 'Jane'' for a reason. I knew it wasn't written in Old English, and TLotR wasn't even around yet. Pardon, but I'm not stupid. I wanted to write this, so I wrote it.**

**(That sounds insanely fangirlish, which I hate. But I'm sorry. It is true. And besides, when Jane really WAS living, they only had 24 letters in the alphabet, so I wovld hafe to rite euery Yjng ljke Yys. And wouldn't that be a uery weird Yjng to do?)**

**('Th' - Y; U/v - interchangable; misspellings; i/j - interchangable; )**

**(See? I know more than it sounds like I do... ;D)**


End file.
